God is good...All the time...???

God is good...All the time...???

(warning...this post gets ugly)

I wasn't sure.

A couple nights ago, it hit me.

I wasn't sure,

I was wrestling, really wrestling, internally all day. Jeff knew something was up but I couldn't explain what was going on, so he just prayed for me.

It was Saturday.

I woke up feeling this dread all around me. I didn't feel safe. It was a wobbly walk of frenetic cleaning and clanking dishes, trying to control my surroundings in order to somehow calm the storm that was threatening to drown me from within.

The waves of the day got deeper and more intense.

I had read my bible. Check.

I had prayed. Check.

But this storm was only growing and there was no sign of temperance.

Let me back up a bit.

We are leaving to France in a few weeks. We will be gone for a very long time as long term missionaries. As long term missionaries, for the first time in my life, we will be out of control of our finances. I know God will provide. It isn't about money, in reality. The fear comes from stepping out of self-reliance in a full time job, to leaning completely on the Lord.

Here we are, getting ready to go on this epic journey, and I hit a wall.

What if He doesn't show up?

What if we go all the way there and have to come back due to lack of funds?

What if we run out of food?

What if we need shoes and have no money?

You know what makes me laugh about those last two questions? They're the big ones for me. What will we eat and what will we wear? Mainly, what will my kids eat and what will my kids wear?

I know the scriptures. Don't worry about what you will eat or wear, Jesus says. Matt 6:25 (Geez it's like He knows me...) And then there's the warning to the Israelites who wouldn't go into the promised land for fear their children would die...again...a warning. Deuteronomy 1:39 Also, interestingly enough, about the human shoe obsession, in Deuteronomy 29:5, God addresses His interest in our footwear.

 “Yet the Lord says, 'During the forty years that I led you through the wilderness, your clothes did not wear out, nor the sandals on your feet.'” (I highlighted the sandal part.)

But these verses and scriptures didn't bring me comfort on Saturday. Nope. I went there. I went all out in the penalty zone and started questioning.

God, I've given you my house. I'm leaving my friends and my family to go do this thing You've obviously called us to. Is it too much to ask that You act now? That you show me how this is supposed to work out, financially?

Aren't You the God of order? Don't You have a system? Shouldn't everything be lined up and ready to go? We're running out of time here...

I know. It's ugly. I warned you it would be. But my entitled, spoiled rant went further.

Are You good? Are You good, really? I know the scriptures,

 “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose”...(Romans 8:28) 

and

“I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you” (Jeremiah 29:11)...

But is it true? I know You're real, but are You good?

At that moment, ten o'clock at night, ugly crying in giant sobs on the couch, in one of the weakest moments I've had in a long time, I asked Him. And I waited. Jeff prayed, while I still cried, and waited.

ARE YOU GOOD?

It wasn't a question as much as it was a command, which was audacious, I know. But I know what the bible says. Hebrews 4:16 

“So let us come BOLDY to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” (Italics and highlighting are mine, again.) 

I needed to hear from Him. I needed His grace to help me. I needed Him to give me Him, not cliché words...I needed my Daddy. And I wasn't going to pretend it was all ok, and be a quiet little girl when a storm was raging inside...I needed the One who rebukes the winds and sets my soul at peace. And I know enough of my bible to know I'm allowed to be bold with Him.

We live in a house where questions are encouraged. I tell my daughter, my rational thinker, 

“You can ask God anything. He can handle your questions. He can even handle your doubts. There's no shame in it.”

God encourages the same questioning:

 “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.”(Is 1:18)

He says “Come let us REASON together.” The word for reason in the Hebrew can also mean, argue, to convince, to prove. He's wanting to have these hard conversations with us.

Now I was banking on my own advice.

God, You alone can handle this melted mess of a human, and You alone can answer this question.

Are You good?

Time out. On a side note, I knew, the moment I asked Him, point blank, so to speak, in between spasms of self-pity and rage, that even if He gave me a fully funded check for 10 years in the mission field, I wouldn't have been satisfied. Why? Because it wasn't really about the money. It never is. Money is a tool He uses to refine us. Well, lack of money, for me, typically. He wants me to be totally reliant on Him. And I heard, that soft whisper of His voice cut right through to the heart of the issue. And the issue was, as it always is, my heart.

There was a grand chasm between my head knowledge full of “God's goodness”, and my heart and soul believing it is true.

I have had story after story of God's provision in my life, most often, at the very last minute. But every time there is a season of lack in my life, I allow it to become another crisis of faith. I feel this time, God was calling my bluff. Did I really believe He was good? Let's settle this. Because I don't want to give lip service without sincerity. I want to know He is good in my bones.

Or come to terms with the fact that He is a tyrant.

Either way, it was a mission for truth on my end. 

When we got up from praying, Jeff smiled at me and I blew my nose like a Canadian goose on a migratory flight, and wiped my Tammy Faye mascara off my chin.

“I'm excited to hear about your dreams tonight,” Jeff said.

I rolled my eyes in doubt. I hadn't been having very good dreams lately, and although God has given me wonderful answers to prayer in them in the past, I doubted very much He would reward my tantrum with an answer so quickly.

But I was wrong.

The coolest thing happened that night.

Not only did God meet me in my dreams, He answered me, showed me things, and then promptly made me forget them. I woke up knowing nothing, except His goodness. I knew everything was going to work out. And not just work out, God is doing so many things through, around, in, under....every facet of this inter dimensional diamond called life. He's working through everything. Not just in me, but my family and friends, and people I don't even know yet.

My God is good. I don't have to know how everything is going to work, because He likes to surprise me. He also can't really explain everything cause He's just that BIG. I wouldn't be able to take it all in, process the minutia of the details, as well as take in the gargantuan impact and plan for all eternity.

The parable of the minas struck me this morning. There are things that are going to last for eternity. For the little things we do, in faith, there will be eternal rewards. He's working that out right now, in some mysterious way. If I understood it, it would be disappointing, because it would be a human understanding. But His ways are so magnificent, so thought out...God is handling the details. I can rest.

He took my cries and calmed my seas and I can say, God is good.

He can handle your wrestling. He can handle your doubt, your confusion, your questions, your fears, your discouragement. He can because He is God and He is man. He's the greatest superhero ever...Not only does He have the power to save, but He has the compassion of someone who's literally been there. Heb 4:15 says:

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet he did not sin.”

I don't want to hide my weakness from God. The Genesis 32 account of Jacob wrestling with God...He was weak, he was tired, he was afraid, and so Jacob wrestled. Jacob was rewarded with a blessing, a new name, and a limp for the rest of his life. The name he was given, Israel, literally means, “He struggles with God.” Don't let anyone dissuade you from wrestling with God. Just know that at the end you will be broken, humbled, and blessed.

That seems to be the way He likes us. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Is there anything you question, or struggle against, that feels to frightening to bring before His throne? Does the question, “Why, God?” get stuck in your throat, for fear He'll be disappointed at your asking? The greatest warriors in the faith have fought the same battles. They have asked the hard questions. They have forged forward as others withered against the fallacies of the world, and the shadows of doubt, that plagued them before they could be exposed to the truth of God's cleansing light. There is no question, fear, or discouragement that can withstand God's tender mercy and His word. As I'd say in my trash talking, basketball playing days, “Bring it!” God's got this. You aren't alone.

You can always shoot me a message if you want prayer for anything, by the way. This life is a journey we share together. I'd love to hear where you are and what you're going through.